Things I learned while watching “Stay Alive”

1. Milo Ventimiglia may be able to fly while Adrian Pasdar is around, but he definitely cannot fly with a chain wrapped around his neck. Possibly, it was the facial hair that was weighing him down.

2. It is a very bad idea to play a mysterious, unreleased video game which opens with a strange incantation and was last in the possession of a group of three of your close friends, all of whom were violently killed shortly after playing it.

3. It is also a very bad idea to create a video game for the purpose of resurrecting anyone that we might possibly be better off without.

4. Pausing a game does not necessarily mean that the game will not decide to play itself in your absence, if points two and three above apply to the game in question.

5. The nude zombie code will make game-play more enjoyable for at least two of your LAN party attending cohorts.

6. The police are not going to listen to you when you tell them that a video game is killing people, just because people are dying in the order in which they died while playing the game, in the exact same fashion in which they died in the game. This is primarily because even suggesting such a thing would be completely insane. You should try not to take it personally. And while you’re at it, you should try not to show up at all of the crime scenes before the police do. You know, to avoid being arrested.

7. Waving around or throwing roses or rose petals at nasty supernatural creatures causes them to disappear immediately after turning them into a dark, smoky substance. We should all keep rose petals around at all times.

8. If you happen to be walking through the house and grounds depicted in the game while one of your buddies is playing, he can help you out by dropping crowbars and other miscellaneous items in places where you will easily find them. Sometimes while you’re standing in the same spot in which he is standing in the game. This is fucked up, and will probably give both of you issues.

9. Should you ever find yourself in the situation described above, cell phones will save your life.

10. Frankie Muniz always comes through in the clutch. Go, Malcolm.

11. If you have to kill the resurrected, blood-bathing murderer brought back to life by the video game that’s since been busy killing all of your friends, you’re going to have to put three nails in her corpse and set her on fire. Knowing this now is going to save you all kinds of time. Thank me later. And for the love of all that’s holy, have your nails and fire-setting implements ready to go before you actually walk into the crypt and stumble upon the body.