Things I learned while watching “Phantasm”

1. Women of questionable repute that metamorphose into scary old men and then stab people to death, mid-coitus in cemeteries frequently wear garish blue eyeshadow. You have been warned.

2. Anyone wearing a long, black robe that wanders behind a headstone and then disappears is probably up to no good. And is probably also dead.

3. Don’t open doors in funeral parlors. If they’re closed, there might be a reason. And while I have no idea what it is, I can tell you that the end result is screaming. Lots of screaming.

4. Bars sucked in 1978. But evidently, they were bursting at the seams with loose women. Loose women wearing an ungodly amount of blue eyeshadow. Please see #1 above.

5. Running through a cemetery after your screaming kid brother with women’s underwear hanging out of your mouth makes you look like a total ass. In fact, anyone who would do this is a total ass, and probably has no redeeming qualities.

6. What’s little and brown and low to the ground? Yeah. I don’t know either, but whoever wrote the dialogue for this movie should probably be shot.

7. When you’ve become convinced that something supernatural is after you, don’t pack your knife and run to the cemetery to take care of business. Instead, take advantage of the fact that everyone thinks you’re crazy, and check yourself into a nice hospital with lots of security.

8. If you do go on a hunt for big evil at the funeral parlor, don’t kick in one of the basement windows to get into the building. That’s a total amateur move.

9. Some genius somewhere along the line decided to attach drills to metal balls, which could then be shot down hallways. Somehow, they hit the intended target right in the head. This makes for excellent mortuary security.

10. Evil creatures bleed yellow. No one is going to believe you when you share this bit of information later, so you should definitely steal a severed finger so you’ll have proof. And watch the dwarfs. They grab tennis shoes.

11. Actually, now that I’ve seen the future, it’s probably not the best idea to steal a severed finger. A demon bug from hell will attack you, and you’ll have to feed it to your garbage disposal. While stabbing it. This looks to be exhausting.

12. The mortician has been around since the days of horses and buggies. If you don’t believe me, just take a trip to the Old-Ass Photos section of the antique store. You’ll find all the evidence you need. Knowing he’s been around that long and hasn’t aged would make me hesitant to fuck with him, but I’m not in this movie.

13. The door to the “Dwarf Planet” is in the mortuary. Weak. I know.