Things I learned while watching “Resident Evil”

1. Major corporations whose public faces involve supply of health care, computer parts, and other perfectly legitimate ventures, but who secretly deal in viral weaponry are bad.

2. It is not okay to release any type of viral weapon on purpose.

3. People seem to have a serious, universal problem with anything that might be trying to kill them. This applies even in situations in which the thing doing the killing has a really solid reason.

4. Amnesia kind of sucks.

5. “Move up” can be convenient code for, “Follow me into this room and die, please.”

6. Zombies don’t listen to reason. It is because of this that sometimes we have to shoot them.

7. People who’ve been trained to shoot for the center of mass don’t fare well against the undead.

8. Animal testing leads to the zombification of dogs. You have all been warned.

9. I’d think that a computer that knows damn near everything would know that it’s just a myth that hair and fingernails continue to grow after death. I’m willing to overlook that, though, because I like this zombie virus that reanimates dead tissue, and also the computer that babysits it. This is probably only because I don’t actually have to deal in any way with the zombies themselves.

10. Scientists are assholes.