Things I learned while watching “Resident Evil: Apocalypse”

1. In the event of all-out zombie invasion, wear tennis shoes at all times. You don’t want to break a heel running from a pack of those things.

2. It’s probably never safe to assume that any government agency with authorization to use live ammunition would fail to do so.

3. Churches might seem like decent places to hide, but really they’re just big, dark, and full of priests that feed bits of people to zombies that used to be people they loved.

4. Riding a motorcycle through a stained glass window, back-flipping off of it while it’s moving, and then shooting out the gas tank to blow it up in a church is like saying, “Hey, guys. Do you need help? Because I’m good at killing evil shit. Also, I’m too fucking cool to care about doing this kind of property damage in a church.” Only without words, which is more efficient.

5. Walking through a cemetery in a zombie movie is a total crap idea.

6. Even if lack of time is a serious issue, it’s probably not okay to hand a gun to someone who says they’ve never used one, tell them that there’s nothing to it and that they should try to hit the zombies in the head, and then insist that you split up to cover different floors.

7. The next time someone says, “So, Erica, how do you definitely not want to die?” I’ll say, “Mauled by a pack of undead dogs.” I doubt I’ll even have to think about it first.

8. Hijacking a helicopter is a lot of work. It might sound like it would be easy, but this is misleading.