Things I learned while watching “Resident Evil: Extinction”

This is really neither here nor there, in terms of things I’ve learned from this film specifically, but I love that in a world fraught with uncertainty, there is one thing we can all count on. Milla Jovovich will appear at some point in the first ten to fifteen minutes of every film in this franchise either nude or scantily clad, and will continue to appear as such at different points throughout the film. This, my friends, might well be the pinnacle of a society we like to tell ourselves is far more civilized than it actually is. Let’s hear it for civilization – if only because we all need the knowledge that there is one thing, at least, that has managed to establish itself and remain consistent up to now.

1. Clones don’t know they’re clones. They do, however, come into being with all kinds of knowledge that could only have been gleaned from some sort of psychic link with their progenitors.

2. The Umbrella Corporation has, at this point, officially fucked up the entire planet. This is quite an accomplishment, and I’m sure they’re all terribly pleased with themselves from what I’ve seen of them so far.

3. In the event of an apocalyptic future brought about by and heavily populated with zombies, we’re probably all better off alone than answering the distress calls of other survivors.

4. Evidently, zombies can “live” for decades without eating. I don’t think I need to point out that this is bad.

5. Zombie birds can do a lot of damage. Stop laughing, because I am not joking. A lot of damage.

6. The Umbrella Corporation has satellites that can pinpoint the location of one person in the middle of a desert that spans all of North and South America. I don’t know about you, but I’d seriously consider doing everything in my power to avoid those people.

7. Evidently, there is a part of Alaska that is so far off the grid, infection by everyone’s favorite zombie virus might not have reached it. When I start seeing the undead around, I’m going there immediately. None of this wandering the desert shit for me.

8. That Dr. Isaacs is one ruthless bastard. You know. In case you were questioning this at all after the first six minutes of this film.

9. Seeing a body dump in which all of the bodies are yours looks like it would be a real mind-job.

10. Milla Jovovich can win a fight with anything. Whether she’s armed or not. Seriously. I’ve got $5 that says she could kick God’s ass right now.