Things I learned while watching “Jeepers Creepers”

1. Taking “the long way” anywhere in the Midwest means that you’ll be subjected to many hours of preachers, farm reports, and country music on the radio while you drive through mile after mile of cornfields and soybeans. It really does suck as much as it sounds like it would.

2. If the crazy asshole that just tried to run you off the road is in an old church yard throwing a human body down a pipe, don’t go back and investigate. Don’t second-guess yourself in a situation like this. If it looks like a corpse, it is.

3. If you ignore point 2 above, and hear voices down the pipe, it’s a bad idea to climb down head first while someone holds your feet. This is because pipes leading into church basements are full of rats, and church rats are so aggressive that they’ll run directly into daylight, right at people. 

4. Don’t ever fuck with anything that’s somehow attached hundreds of corpses to the ceiling of the filthy, cavernous church basement. Because clearly, it is one bad-ass…whatever it is.

5. It won’t matter that the police will think you’re out of your mind when you start describing the crazy supernatural creature that spends its time speeding around on otherwise deserted, rural highways. Even if they thought you made perfect sense, they still couldn’t help you.

6. If the police are escorting you to safety and the severed head of the cop that was driving rolls over the top of your car and down your windshield, it would be a bad time to stop and get out of the car to investigate.

7. The Creeper eating a police officer’s tongue right out of his severed head in front of an old-fashioned billboard that says “Tastes So Good” is the single greatest thing that has ever happened. Ever.

8. Little old ladies who live alone in the middle of nowhere with about a million cats are mean as hell.

9. Psychics really aren’t all that helpful.