Things I learned while watching “Resident Evil: Extinction”

This is really neither here nor there, in terms of things I’ve learned from this film specifically, but I love that in a world fraught with uncertainty, there is one thing we can all count on. Milla Jovovich will appear at some point in the first ten to fifteen minutes of every film in this franchise either nude or scantily clad, and will continue to appear as such at different points throughout the film. This, my friends, might well be the pinnacle of a society we like to tell ourselves is far more civilized than it actually is. Let’s hear it for civilization – if only because we all need the knowledge that there is one thing, at least, that has managed to establish itself and remain consistent up to now.

1. Clones don’t know they’re clones. They do, however, come into being with all kinds of knowledge that could only have been gleaned from some sort of psychic link with their progenitors.

2. The Umbrella Corporation has, at this point, officially fucked up the entire planet. This is quite an accomplishment, and I’m sure they’re all terribly pleased with themselves from what I’ve seen of them so far.

3. In the event of an apocalyptic future brought about by and heavily populated with zombies, we’re probably all better off alone than answering the distress calls of other survivors.

4. Evidently, zombies can “live” for decades without eating. I don’t think I need to point out that this is bad.

5. Zombie birds can do a lot of damage. Stop laughing, because I am not joking. A lot of damage.

6. The Umbrella Corporation has satellites that can pinpoint the location of one person in the middle of a desert that spans all of North and South America. I don’t know about you, but I’d seriously consider doing everything in my power to avoid those people.

7. Evidently, there is a part of Alaska that is so far off the grid, infection by everyone’s favorite zombie virus might not have reached it. When I start seeing the undead around, I’m going there immediately. None of this wandering the desert shit for me.

8. That Dr. Isaacs is one ruthless bastard. You know. In case you were questioning this at all after the first six minutes of this film.

9. Seeing a body dump in which all of the bodies are yours looks like it would be a real mind-job.

10. Milla Jovovich can win a fight with anything. Whether she’s armed or not. Seriously. I’ve got $5 that says she could kick God’s ass right now.

Things I learned while watching “Resident Evil: Apocalypse”

1. In the event of all-out zombie invasion, wear tennis shoes at all times. You don’t want to break a heel running from a pack of those things.

2. It’s probably never safe to assume that any government agency with authorization to use live ammunition would fail to do so.

3. Churches might seem like decent places to hide, but really they’re just big, dark, and full of priests that feed bits of people to zombies that used to be people they loved.

4. Riding a motorcycle through a stained glass window, back-flipping off of it while it’s moving, and then shooting out the gas tank to blow it up in a church is like saying, “Hey, guys. Do you need help? Because I’m good at killing evil shit. Also, I’m too fucking cool to care about doing this kind of property damage in a church.” Only without words, which is more efficient.

5. Walking through a cemetery in a zombie movie is a total crap idea.

6. Even if lack of time is a serious issue, it’s probably not okay to hand a gun to someone who says they’ve never used one, tell them that there’s nothing to it and that they should try to hit the zombies in the head, and then insist that you split up to cover different floors.

7. The next time someone says, “So, Erica, how do you definitely not want to die?” I’ll say, “Mauled by a pack of undead dogs.” I doubt I’ll even have to think about it first.

8. Hijacking a helicopter is a lot of work. It might sound like it would be easy, but this is misleading.

Things I learned while watching “Resident Evil”

1. Major corporations whose public faces involve supply of health care, computer parts, and other perfectly legitimate ventures, but who secretly deal in viral weaponry are bad.

2. It is not okay to release any type of viral weapon on purpose.

3. People seem to have a serious, universal problem with anything that might be trying to kill them. This applies even in situations in which the thing doing the killing has a really solid reason.

4. Amnesia kind of sucks.

5. “Move up” can be convenient code for, “Follow me into this room and die, please.”

6. Zombies don’t listen to reason. It is because of this that sometimes we have to shoot them.

7. People who’ve been trained to shoot for the center of mass don’t fare well against the undead.

8. Animal testing leads to the zombification of dogs. You have all been warned.

9. I’d think that a computer that knows damn near everything would know that it’s just a myth that hair and fingernails continue to grow after death. I’m willing to overlook that, though, because I like this zombie virus that reanimates dead tissue, and also the computer that babysits it. This is probably only because I don’t actually have to deal in any way with the zombies themselves.

10. Scientists are assholes.

Things I learned while watching “Stay Alive”

1. Milo Ventimiglia may be able to fly while Adrian Pasdar is around, but he definitely cannot fly with a chain wrapped around his neck. Possibly, it was the facial hair that was weighing him down.

2. It is a very bad idea to play a mysterious, unreleased video game which opens with a strange incantation and was last in the possession of a group of three of your close friends, all of whom were violently killed shortly after playing it.

3. It is also a very bad idea to create a video game for the purpose of resurrecting anyone that we might possibly be better off without.

4. Pausing a game does not necessarily mean that the game will not decide to play itself in your absence, if points two and three above apply to the game in question.

5. The nude zombie code will make game-play more enjoyable for at least two of your LAN party attending cohorts.

6. The police are not going to listen to you when you tell them that a video game is killing people, just because people are dying in the order in which they died while playing the game, in the exact same fashion in which they died in the game. This is primarily because even suggesting such a thing would be completely insane. You should try not to take it personally. And while you’re at it, you should try not to show up at all of the crime scenes before the police do. You know, to avoid being arrested.

7. Waving around or throwing roses or rose petals at nasty supernatural creatures causes them to disappear immediately after turning them into a dark, smoky substance. We should all keep rose petals around at all times.

8. If you happen to be walking through the house and grounds depicted in the game while one of your buddies is playing, he can help you out by dropping crowbars and other miscellaneous items in places where you will easily find them. Sometimes while you’re standing in the same spot in which he is standing in the game. This is fucked up, and will probably give both of you issues.

9. Should you ever find yourself in the situation described above, cell phones will save your life.

10. Frankie Muniz always comes through in the clutch. Go, Malcolm.

11. If you have to kill the resurrected, blood-bathing murderer brought back to life by the video game that’s since been busy killing all of your friends, you’re going to have to put three nails in her corpse and set her on fire. Knowing this now is going to save you all kinds of time. Thank me later. And for the love of all that’s holy, have your nails and fire-setting implements ready to go before you actually walk into the crypt and stumble upon the body.

Things I learned while watching “Dark Harvest”

1. If you find out that you’ve just inherited land from a dead family member and the only thing you’re told about the land and the house in advance is that no one (except for one real estate appraisal man who happens to be damned lucky he wasn’t out appraising under the light of the full moon) has gone anywhere near it since the 1930’s, just don’t go. In fact, have the place demolished. And have napalm rained on the fields if at all possible.

2. If you go anyway, you’re probably an idiot, in light of everything I’m about to share with you. This is especially true in cases that involve a long-deceased relative having made a pact with the devil and/or having murdered drifters so to affix them to wooden stakes and use them as scarecrows, but probably applies in any one of a variety of situations.

3. If you go, and you wind up bringing your girlfriend and your four closest mutual friends, then not only are you an idiot, but you’re an ass, too.

4. There’s nothing wrong with a bunch of naked women drinking beer while alternately sunbathing and swimming. This is something I’ve always known, but it’s really good to reinforce these stores of knowledge every once in a while.

5. In the grand kill-the-minorities-first tradition of most classic horror films, and some of the not-so-classic ones as well, your lesbian friend is going to die first, and can expect to suffer beheading and dismemberment. It will be icky, and everyone will see it. You know. For effect.

6. This is only a temporary reprieve for your black male friend, who normally would die first, but has been bought a little bit of time by the lesbian. He will, however, suffer a catastrophic injury very early on, such as stabbing-by-scythe-through-door-by-zombie-scarecrow, just so that he can be dragged along by everyone else – quite obviously in agonizing pain and for a ridiculously long period of time when one considers the serious nature of his injuries – until he suffers additional mutilation and finally manages to kick off. This will suck for him. Make no mistake.

7. It is completely ineffective to jab zombie scarecrows in the belly with wooden objects. Seriously. It just seems to piss them off. This probably also applies to metal objects. In fact, fire is pretty much your first and last line of defense, unless you can find some way to dismember them, which isn’t nearly as much fun to watch. The occasional explosion doesn’t hurt. It just punctuates your righteous indignation.

8. Do not, under any circumstances, stand around in large groups with open doorways directly behind you. This is stupid, and will only lead to trouble. Especially if said doorway opens onto a dark room.

9. Zombie scarecrows do not steal car keys. If you can’t find the car keys, this means that they have fallen out of your friend’s pocket as her headless corpse was being dragged off toward the fields by the ankles. Check the drag-tracks through the grass.

10. If your great grandfather is the long-deceased relative that tortured drifters to death while turning them into scarecrows which have since become zombies, he is clearly a redneck asshole. You should definitely find a framed photograph of your great grandfather standing next to one of his freshly constructed homemade scarecrows somewhere in his former residence (check all shelves) and break the glass in the frame with your fist while shouting something about what a stupid, redneck asshole he was. It won’t change anything, but it might make you feel better about your eviscerated girlfriend, whose corpse is currently a glorified lawn ornament in one of the corn fields you now own.